Don't Be a Stoner

Don't be a fucking stoner. I am not talking about pot. It is legal here in Michigan. Bust out Billy Bong Thorton and toke up. If I don't like your smoke I won't come around, so burn one down. However, I literally hate stone mulch in landscape around plants. Stone mulch is for maintenance strips, commercial properties or arid landscapes. Period!

First of all it just looks like fuck.

(Sorry. Not Sorry. No. Super not sorry. Fuck your stone mulch!)

Secondly, you have to put down landscape fabric under stone to attempt keep it clean. Go ahead. Transplant something, split and divide a Hosta. Go ahead. Remove a dead item. Your shit-fuck stone mulch is going to get dirty. Ha ha! No thank you.

You have to do your landscape in phases and the bed lines have to change as things grow. Don't hack your plants to fit the bed. Expand your bed to accommodate the plant. Go ahead and adjust the bed with stone mulch. Your stone is going to get dirty. Pain in the ass!

People think that bark mulch will bring in carpenter ants. Don't be a dumb fuck. Open an entomology book or fucking Google it. Carpenter ants do not eat hardwood BARK mulch. Carpenter ants eat the inside of trees, WOODCHIPS. Woodchips are not bark mulch.

People think they will never have to put done stone mulch again. Ha! I laugh in your stupid face. Stone mulch seems to disappear. I don't know where it actually fucking goes, but it thins over time. Children I am sure are the culprits.

Stone mulch WILL make it into your lawn and when you mow it is more than likely going to throw that rock and hit your shin or break a window…etc… Lemme tell ya, it hurts like a bitch.

What I like about bark mulch is that it breaks down into organic matter over time. Organic matter is organic food for your plants. Durpa-durpa. Organic matter helps improve your soil quality. Bark mulch holds water and also helps decrease watering. Don't ask me for woodchips either. Woodchips are for playgrounds. For wood it break down it requires nitrogen. When you put it down on soil it pulls out the nitrogen. Yeah, the stuff your plants need to look good.

So...don't be a fucking stoner!

#TheAngryLandscaper

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Location: Grand Rapids, MI, USA

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